Dear Chocolate — Goodbye, Old Friend!: Everyday Magic, Day 37

It’s time to admit the awful, wicked and terribly depressing truth: chocolate makes me sick. Last night, I indulged in a gluten-free, sugar-free blueberry cake with chocolate frosting. All night, a nightmare indulged in me (strangely enough, I was a large Viking woman orchestrating a complex blackmail scheme that involved driving along a cliff overlooking the ocean, blindfolded). This morning, a migraine.

This is, truth be told, no surprise. I have run this experiment thousands of times. Eat chocolate: get migraines. I know that drinking wine, sheesh — even apple cider, gives me migraines, and so for 25 years, I haven’t drank anything alcoholic. But when it comes to chocolate, my talent for rationalizing kept turning my head. While it’s true that I can have a little nibble of the stuff early in the day (say, 7 a.m.) and not get a headache, or I can have a bit of chocolate later on with an excedrin chaser and avoid a migraine, for the most part, I’m doomed, and it’s time to stop crashing on the shores of dark chocolate, chocolate pudding, chocolate cake, M & M’s scored at my mother-in-law’s, a little frosting from a kid’s birthday party and so on.

What’s a girl to do? This morning, while I carry a very full one-sided migraine in my head (a little like carrying a head full of hard water, all tilted to one corner), I will take a hot bath, eat a beautiful bowl of melon on the back deck, look into the expansive sky and write chocolate a Dear John letter. “Dear Chocolate, you know you’ve been my one and only, but we both know you’re no good for me, baby. You’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good (Oh, wait, why is Linda Ronstadt singing in my ailing head?). It’s time to let you know, change all the locks and my cell phone number, and go home without you.”

I only pray that when chocolate calls, and it will (at regular intervals for the rest of my life), I’ll have the strength not to answer the phone.

4 thoughts on “Dear Chocolate — Goodbye, Old Friend!: Everyday Magic, Day 37

  1. Uggggggggh. You’ve taken your share of hits. You’d think the Universe would at least allow chocolate. Sorry, sorry. Usually I can think of good replacements for people on restricted diets, but for chocolate . . . sigh. My mom, kids and I are gluten- and dairy-free, plus each of us avoids other stuff. I started having migraines in 1983 and peaked out at two that lasted 2-3 days each week before I went on a GF diet. They appear rarely now. And my kids have nightmares / vivid dreams (and other, worse things) when they accidentally eat gluten. Weird. Hope you find a happy substitute. Will try to think of something.

  2. The good news is you’ll be feeling MUCH, much better! I don’t know what a good substitute for chocolate might be, if any…perhaps some carob something-or-other…but hey! Enjoy your new migrane-free life!

  3. Oh no! Sorry for my role in your migraine. Interesting dreams are fun though. But there is still hope for life without chocolate! Have you tried carob powder? It can be used as a substitute for cacao powder in cakes and desserts. Sometime when we get together, I’ll make a no Chocolate Cake with no Chocolate frosting and it will be divine!

  4. Thanks so much, everyone, and actually, I don’t need a substitute for chocolate. I often find that fruit delights me just as much (it’s my little mind that needs to catch up with this fact). Don’t worry about bringing that great cake, Aly! It was what I needed to get a little clearer, and it was delicious (let me know when you publish your first cookbook!). My headache is about gone too. Thanks again, friends.

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