When the Swarm of Bad News Attacks: Everyday Magic, Day 205

It’s been hard getting out of bed lately, and getting to sleep at night takes massive amounts of bad news deconstruction, imaging the worst and how to navigate that, and then the best and also the probable. For weeks the swarm of bad news has been growing, and lately, I just want to fall to my knees before it and call out, “I surrender,” although I’m not sure what surrendering means.

In a nutshell, in addition to still mourning the loss of Maura and passing through anniversaries of departed loved ones, there’s been an outbreak of things that just, despite whatever the Buddhists say about we can’t know if something is truly bad or good, totally suck. The governor abolished the Kansas Arts Commission, and the Legislature is moving in on closing Kansas Neurological Institute, where my husband works, but more to the point, where 150 of our most severely disabled residents live. Friends are facing all manner of severe challenges: cancer spread to the bone, a brain tumor, and the garden variety of painful or difficult health challenges. It’s friggin’ cold and supposed to go to -10 tonight. My son just discovered he didn’t get into the Peace Corps, not because of the quality of his character but because of a pre-existing health condition. And it’s February, longest month of the year, always.

When I still myself and just feel what there is to feel, my heart hurts. When I imagine good outcomes to all, some of my hope feels forced. When I distract myself, I come back to the bad news still hanging strong, shrugging its hunched shoulders, and telling me to just keep breathing, drinking coffee, sleeping, going on to the next task. The fact that so much of the bad news is not from my own psyche might make it worse…..or better, but in any case, I’m sadly in awe of the surprises coming at us, like a fierce blizzard at times, in this world.

At the same time, I look at this photo I took last week of a tiny rainbow made by such a small sliver of light coming through the window and onto the bed. Sometimes, to paraphrase poet Charles Bukowski, the light isn’t much, but it’s enough…..or we need to make it enough.


8 thoughts on “When the Swarm of Bad News Attacks: Everyday Magic, Day 205

  1. Caryn,

    You express what many of us are feeling…”my heart hurts.” For your son, I was similarly turned down by the Peace Corps many years ago because of a medical condition, and despite my surgeon declaring me perfectly fit. One door closes; another opens.

    Big hugs,

  2. Thanks so much, Sharon, and I’ll pass these words onto my son — or maybe he’s already reading this. Are you, Daniel?

  3. Sending you a hug. Sun’s out. 50s starting this weekend. MUD! Rather than ice. Deep breath. Sending another hug.

  4. Thinking of you, Caryn, at this very challenging time.
    You have given me so much through your writing and I know many others feel the same. Allow yourself to feel the love and concern that is being extended to you right now … at this very moment … and as the long winter days unfold. Remember that this too shall pass. Spring is truly right around the corner.

  5. You certainly are getting more than your share of snow hurdles…may some of them soon melt and slip away like a mound of dirty snow.

  6. When you saw the rainbow, it reminds me of the bible story when Noah saw the rainbow in the sky after the great flood! It took a while for the water to go down however.

    After checking my Grandmother’s house because a light was on, I called the deputy to come out since someone had broken into her house & our farm house. Prepared to catch the bad guys, guns drawn, no light was on. I like to think it was Grandma’s spirit letting me know she was there taking care, since my aunt who is the house current owner is in a hospice waiting for her time to pass on where there is no suffering from the lung cancer that has ravaged her body.

    When we are thrust into grief or snatched from our dream the mourning is overwhelming. It is the time to be kind to yourself. Take long baths, cry if you need to, just take care of you!!! Don’t schedule things that will be stressful. Just eat healthy food, be with good people, be good to you!

Comments are closed.