I want to like you, really I do, especially since you’re my birthday month (not to mention the birthday month of many dear friends). Besides, with all your sparkle, chestnuts roasting on the radio, and blue-light-strewn trees, you can be so positively gorgeous and seductive at times that it seems the other months don’t exist.
But the truth is that I like January, yes, bleak, cold, winter-of-winter January better. I even prefer November to you, and just about every month except for 1) February, longest of all months and most dreadful usually too; and 2) August, because I live in Kansas, and by August we’re out of our friggin’ minds with 100 degrees and those always-cycling cicadas.
December, you’re just a deal to get through. You’ve got too much going on and too much of an attitude. If you were a person, you would be Carrot Top impersonating Liberace on downers. If you were a song, you’d be a fast-moving Korean pop tune that makes listeners feel like they’re trapped on a long flight to nowhere. If you were a food…..oh, well, you are a food, or a bunch of foods actually, all of which ruin me for normal nutrition.
You don’t have the best weather either. You’re often cold, overcast, and then where is the snow? Probably drinking some lattes in January, taking its time getting here.
It’s not like you have nothing going for you. After all, think of all that lives in you: latkes, menorahs, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” cuties, a small dose of Judy Garland singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and the illusion of the perfect gift. But I’ve got to confess that when January 1st breaks through, I’m relieved, elated even. And hey, I’m one of your babies, so that’s kind of a problem. So here’s my list of how I want you to change:
- Morph all broadcasts of non-stop Christmas music into Zulu harmonies or surprise broadcasts of Roger and Hammerstein musicals. Sarah Vaughn would be good too.
- Turn yourself into a non-shopping zone where people only buy good meals out, books, movies to see or rent, art supplies, groceries, sudden trips to the Bahamas and other essentials.
- Show the sun once in a while. You can do it.
- Give sudden enlightenment to all Americans who believe we are a Christian nation so that December small talk doesn’t so often assume that the one being talked to is Christian, doing Christmas shopping or needs to be reminded that Jesus is the reason for the season.
- Really, how many car commercials do we have to see that feature giant red ribbons? Also, aren’t there other ways to show someone love than with electronics?
- Extend Thanksgiving for a week into you from November so that gratitude can be focal point too.
- No Alvin and the Chipmunk music this month. Please.
- For the love of God, snow already! Make the world white and shiny.
And yeah, I know you’re not Santa, but see what you can do.