I just looked at the weather report, and for Wednesday, and on one website I saw “103 degrees. Breezy” and on another, “102 degrees. Clear.” Breezy? Clear? These are not the words that come to me when the lows are what normal temperatures this time of year should be. Maybe the weather website people are just bored with writing hot for the foreseeable future, so here’s an alternative for them: the way the weather really is right now:
- Wednesday: 103 degrees. Dropping humidity in the afternoon with rising road rage levels. Do not wear clothes. Residents advised to keep 30-pound block of ice in back seats of all moving vehicles.
- Thursday: 99 degrees with high humidity and an advisory not to drive in the afternoon unless you’ve downed two big gulps of iced coffee and four Excedrin.
- Friday: 105 degrees. Melting advisory. Stay indoors and away from windows. Residents are further advised to watch Elizabethan-era movies in dark basements until further notice.
- Saturday: 101 degrees. Hide all firearms, sharp knives and can-openers. Oven and stove advisory: do not eat any hot food unless medically directed. Residents are directed not to enter into any contractual agreements (particularly selling of Kansas homes in exchange for enough gas money to drive to the Rockies).
- Sunday: 103 degrees. Mother-of-God-will-it-ever-end advisory. Cold melons of all kinds recommended. Check your local city website for your scheduled time to watch Netflix and eat ice cream. Couples having suddenly decided to divorce are encouraged to put their heads in the freezer together for 10 minutes before making any rash decisions.
- Monday: 98 degrees after cold front arrives. Do not get out of bed.
- Tuesday: 103 degrees. Beware armed armadillos, six-foot jackalopes and other delusions. Gelato advisory continues through 2 a.m. Do not bother trying to get any sleep.